Dragon Ball Z: Conflicts Return

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 Avan

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Avan

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Join date : 2010-09-21

PostSubject: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:02 am

Character you wish to be: Avan

Characters Gender:male

Character's Race:Saiyan

Powerlevel:500

Zenni: 500

Alignment:Good

Character's appearance:

Age:15

Height: 5'9"

Hair Color:black

Eye Color: dark brown

Side Note:

Characters Techniques: Galick Gun,Kamehameha,Super KAmehameha,Final Shine Attack.Final Flash attack

Planet you want to start on: Planet Earth

Characters story: Born on planet Earth. His parents met on a mission. They then fell in love. His father a saiyan elite and a genius at fighting with his mother a great elite and strategy genius made a perfect team. His parents went to Earth since they enjoyed their time on their mission their. It was a beautiful place for them. Soon they got merry and had Avan.At a young age he was a natural at fighting. His father trained him well. His father then taught him the galick gun. At first it was hard but he got the hang of it. When he was 6 he went to an island. There he met a martial arts master named Roshi. Roshi taught him the kamehameha and the super kamehameha. When Avan headed back to his house he bumped into a saiyan named Vegeta. Avan had asked if Vegeta could train him. Vegeta agreed but on one condition, Avan would have to be at full power. Vegeta trained him hard but Avan endured. He proved himself strong. Vegeta then decided to teach him the final shine attack and final flash. They were hard to master. When his training was done with Vegeta Avan had turned 10. His parents enrolled him in school. It was nothing for him since he had been home schooled. Years passed and Avan had grown. He became a teen and grew in power.


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Last edited by Avan on Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:03 am; edited 2 times in total
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Frieza
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PostSubject: Re: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:49 am

Okay there is a really big flaw in your writing. While the story is somewhat good the sentences are like bullet points. A very important part of the story being that there was a Changling about to kill his mother and you wrote not even 2 sentences of what happened. Let me give an example.

Frieza was born. Frieza went to Earth. Frieza killed his family. Frieza avenged his brother.

That is extremely boring and doesn't even make sense. Please put depth into your character, this is just boring and pointless. If you want your character to mean something, maybe put some effort into writing the bio.

Denied until you fix this.

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Avan

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PostSubject: Re: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:58 am

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Frieza
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PostSubject: Re: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:06 am

All you did was extend the story and not change any of it. I will give you 1 more chance, but now I am going to go into detail.

The story makes no sense and does not go with the canon. Planet Vegeta is in no way peaceful and Saiyans are not ones to simply go to planets and befriend people. They are a warrior race, not a daisy picking race. It also seems that you met Gohan seeing as he is the only person who knows Masenko. You also met Vegeta........ And Kame........ So pretty much unless you utterly over-haul the entire plot and start fixing your grammar and knowledge of the Saiyan race, you're denied.

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Avan

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PostSubject: Re: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:03 am

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Frieza
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PostSubject: Re: Avan   Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:07 am

All you did was change the parents to different jobs. When I was talking about how Avan was trained by Roshi and Vegeta and Gohan and all that I meant to make sure he was not trained by them. Your grammar is too poor and you did not read the back story for the site. Vegeta was not on Earth 7 years ago. School?? Really? Your SAIYAN character went to SCHOOL with other humans. You kept everything I told you not to. Grats.

Denied.

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